Ask Uncle TopGear: why do the Belgians have a Renault Clio saloon?

Dear Uncle TG,

I was in Belgium recently and saw a weird-looking saloon version of the Renault Clio. Why do they have such a thing?

Pete, by email

Have you ever tried traditional Belgian beer? It does peculiar things to your brain. Next thing you know, you’re demanding a weird-looking saloon version of the Renault Clio. Or falling over on some cobbles into a puddle of your own sick.

Dear Uncle TG,

I’m thinking of buying a 1983 Alfa Romeo Spider. Am I mad?

Fran, by email

The purchase of a small Italian roadster isn’t usually considered a reliable indicator of psychiatric disorder. If you’d said,  “I’m thinking of throwing an occasional table at a policeman and then shouting ‘WEASEL BUTTER’ into a wheelie bin. Am I mad?” then I would have said yes. It’s certainly what got my Great Uncle Tirenius locked away.

Dear Uncle TG,

I’m trying to sell my immaculate Focus Zetec but I haven’t had any interest at all. What’s wrong with my car?

Fred, by email

It’s not the car, it’s you.

Dear Uncle TG,

Is there any way of finding out what has happened to an old car? I sold my Vauxhall Chevette in 1989 and have always wondered where it is now.

Clare, Wiltshire

I would say the most likely answer is, “crushed into dust”. I really wouldn’t worry about it, unless you’ve just remembered that you left your spare house keys in the glovebox.

Dear Uncle TG,

My Range Rover was stolen from outside my house by thieves who got in using a cloned key. Have you heard of this happening before?

RF, London

No, but if I heard it happening, rest assured I would ring the police just as soon as I found my glasses.

Dear Uncle TG,

I’m looking at getting a Jaguar XE as my next company car, but the range confuses me. What’s the difference between an XE Prestige and an XE R-Sport?

Rob, by email

The spelling.

Dear Uncle TG,

Just a quick one: is it illegal not to have a spare wheel?

Jay, Handforth

In your car, no. As a scantily clad lady of a certain age on a night out in Sunderland, empirical evidence would suggest that the answer is yes.