Focus RS, Audi S8 Plus and Fiesta ST: why stealth cars are fun

I know. Nitrous Blue is not stealthy, so I want you to imagine a grey Focus RS. There, much better. That way the silliness comes as more of a surprise. Because while I promise myself I’ll leave it in Sport mode, and explore the basic balance of this heavy 4WD hatch, concentrate on the nuances of its steering, brakes and throttle response, really learn where its limits lie, and… oh sod it, whoops, done it again. The nondescript drive mode button has been impatiently jabbed and we’ve arrived in Drift mode. Ooh, the Hammerhead. Well, it’d be rude not to, wouldn’t it?

Photography: John Wycherley

This feature was originally published in issue 285 of Top Gear magazine.

Half a turn of lock to the left, on the brakes. Feel the car arch like an irritated tabby. Half a turn to the right. Nail the gas. No need to insert any talent here, which is just as well. The Focus notes I’m in wally mode, 345bhp arrives at the tyres, the diffs do something clever and sideways we go. Clearly my input isn’t as sophisticated as the car’s, but you’d have to have a demeanour bluer than the “Nitrous” bodywork not to find this addictive. And when not at Dunsfold, it’s a great hot hatch. The best there is.

Audi’s S8 Plus has modes to play with too, but they’re not its genius. Among these everyday heroes, this was chosen for its subtlety. This, currently, is the world’s ultimate Q car. Every diesel barge out there wears huge wheels and LED lights these days, so not a soul notices this 597bhp express. A limo with launch control has to be 2016’s biggest paradox on wheels, but the 3.6-to-62mph time we recorded is only one part of the S8’s appeal. Team it with stealth and ability however...

You know the sign: a white circle with a black slash. That might as well say “initiate launch sequence” to the S8 driver. Mash the gas and it teleports you up the road – V8 muted, gearshifts barely registering, chassis dexterous and able. No other car combines such punch with such a lack of fair warning to those about you. You don’t giggle in here, you guffaw.

Those two are superb machines. Both massage your ego while scrunching your forehead into a corrugated mess. The Ford Fiesta ST, meanwhile, is simple, but simply laugh-out-loud good. No buttons, no modes. Even a simple run to the Dunsfold canteen is enough to fall back in love with this burbling, three-wheeling, tail-wagging hatchback. Three years on, it’s still the best-sounding, best-handling, most rewarding small fast car on Earth. No wonder they’re everywhere. Ford still makes the ultimate everyday hero.