Opinion: I’m crowdfunding a subtle, discreet Audi RS3. Who’s in?

I haven’t driven the new Audi RS3 yet. But I’m prepared to take Tom Ford’s word for it that the new 400bhp quattro-drive mega-hatch is a proper bit of kit. I very much like the sound of car the same size as an AMG A45, with similar eyeball-warping pace, making a more exotic noise. And absorbing a bump. 

In short, a car that’s tailor-made for slimy, nadgety British B-roads.

But, one request: can I please have mine dressed like a completely standard A3?

Look, we all get why the RS3 looks like it does. People who want an RS3 want you know, at fifty paces, this is The Hot One.

It’s the same reasoning behind BMW’s 4 Series having the face of the baddie from Watership Down. Coupe buyers insisted their car was more extrovert than the 3 Series saloon. Yep, BMW reads you LOUD and CLEAR.

But there’s something about the personality of a fast Audi that suits Q-car’ness. Discreet, subtle nods to the performance within. Audi hasn’t really done Q cars for a while now: the latest RS4 and RS6 shout ‘I Am Powerful And You Are In My Way’ at the top of their lungs. 

But the RS3 just takes the mickey. Is there a car on sale with less front bodywork, this side of an Ariel Atom?

You’re paying for fresh air. It’s just a huge wall of mesh. And LEDs. Then more mesh.

What was on the design mood board? I'm guessing it was chain-mail armour, a farmyard anti-fox enclosure, and Batman's chiropractor, Bane.

So if Porsche can make a business car for a subtle, de-winged Touring version of a niche sports car like a 911 GT3, then surely Audi can stamp out a few 'RS3 Tourings' for those of us who would very much enjoy life with a burbling straight-five turbo engine, foolproof traction and so much grip you can move the white lines along the road.

Just lob all of those mechanical bits into a standard A3 S-line...

...but leave off the badges and the plastic chickenwire. Especially that horrid strip of fake grille across the back. What’s that supposed to be venting? Your weekly supermarket shop?

Seriously Audi, let’s do this. You can even reserve the Drift Mode for the RS3 that looks like it’s crashed into a chicken coop. Call it the polite-looking version the Not-RS’d 3. And while you’re at it, slot in the old RS3’s interior…