Porsche Cayenne S - long-term review

It’s been a cracking month with the Cayenne. Some would say smashing. I’d say both. As, unfortunately, I’ve had to endure not one, but two, frustrating (and expensive) glass-based FUBARs.

The first was a by-product of London’s rising car crime. Having gone out for dinner, I returned to the sad sight of the Cayenne sat in a puddle of its own tinted rear glass as thieves had smashed the rear screen and scavenged around even though nothing was on display.

Last year, around 336,000 vehicle crimes across England and Wales (which includes thefts and break-ins) were closed without a suspect being identified. And London was the worst for it, as Westminster had 1,171 reports – 98 per cent of which failed to result in a prosecution. Across the pond in San Francisco it’s even more insane. ‘Bippin’ (slang for car smash-and-grabs) is so rife, locals are now advised to park with their boots/trunks and windows open to prove there’s nothing worth nicking. Madness.

Thankfully, the folks at Porsche GB in Reading had a rear screen in stock. So, after a very flappy trip down the M4 (thanks to my ingenious temporary bin bag and gaffer tape window solution which turned into a parachute at 70mph somewhere around Junction 6), the amazing technicians were prepped to swap it out and save the day as the car was required urgently for another shoot.

Henry The Hoover had his work cut out sucking up all the glass shards which were God-like at hide and seek, getting into nooks and crannies that beach sand wouldn’t even bother with. But it’s not just a case of clearing the glass out and slapping a new pane in. The rear light bar must be removed, glue stripped back, and radio antennas, rear screen heaters protected before the new glass could go in and be left to cure. Within a day the Cayenne was back to normal and onto another schleppy adventure.

A few weeks later, disaster struck again as I heard that familiar and frustrating splat of a stone hitting the windscreen having been flung out the back of a truck on the motorway. On first inspection, I thought I got away with it. But a few days later when I looked up at the Cayenne’s massive 2.16 square metre panoramic sunroof (standard on the Coupe and a fantastic addition for back seat passengers) I realised I hadn’t.

A crack had started growing out, across and back from a tiny crack right at the front of the sunroof. If the stone had been millimetres forward, I’d probably have gotten away with it. But we hadn’t. And I’ve never seen a cracked panoramic roof before. Especially done like this. Now, as you can imagine, a giant piece of glass which acts as a structural support for the car isn’t cheap. So, after a quick call to a Porsche Centre, I found out exactly how not cheap: £3,500 not cheap. Without fitting or labour. Ouch.