BMW X4 M Competition review: the fastest ever BMW X car

Is that some sort of high-rise BMW M4?

At first glance, possibly. This is the facelifted BMW X4 M Competition. It has the M4's engine, which means 503bhp. It's enough to make this the fastest X model ever, slamming it to 62mph in 3.8 seconds. It also has the M4's complicated 4WD system, although here you can't switch out the drive to the front wheels. Can't see why you'd want to. But there are other reasons why it isn't an M4 on legs. I'll come to those later.

So what's the facelift about?

The engine now has a lighter, forged crankshaft, as per the M3/M4. It's stronger, so the torque has swollen to 492lb ft. That's an eight per cent rise, enough that you'd probably notice if you owned a pre-facelift car, and enough to drop the 0-62 time into the threes. Which is more than a teensy bit bonkers.

Inside, it gets a new set of displays – instruments, HUD, and central screen. All much like the M3/M4. And actually less legible in many circumstances than the previously round dials. Ah well, because it's screen-based, you can switch to track-biased graphics with big data on practically any aspect of performance you can imagine.

When you're not busy being a telemetry king/queen, the connected maps and apps are now just like any modern high-end BMW. And for the first time, the X4 M can also have the firm's cleverest pack of driver assist.

And, dare I ask, the outside?

Oh come on, ask the question you really want to ask…

OK, did they manage to make it look even more unspeakably vulgar than before?

Yes, they did.

For a start, check out these photos for the new Sao Paulo yellow paint. Hmmm. OK, you don't have to spec that. But the grille is bigger and there's all sorts of strange black-glossy fakery around the front intakes and rear diffuser and numberplate plinth. Aerodynamics don't make them this shape. Obviously then someone in Munich thinks you'll like the look of them.

Otherwise, there are new wheels and a slightly slimmer set of headlights, which is OK because they shine very bright and that's their point.

And is it like an M4 on the road?

No. For that, you'd be wanting an Alfa Stelvio Quadrifoglio - sharp, fizzy, edgy - or indeed a Jaguar F-Pace SVR. The X4 M, despite its lairy looks and vast muscle, is more reserved than that.

It's seriously fast, as the 0-62 implies. The engine will rev out to 7.200, and thanks to variable exhaust valves it sounds aristocratic as it goes. There's none of the juvenile popping and farting of an AMG, and that's OK by me.

The steering is quick but not glassy-sharp. If it's really loaded up you get the beginnings of a nice tingle of feedback, especially as the road dips and crests. But that takes eye-popping cornering force. Otherwise, it's mute.

The 4x4 system has fancy centre and rear diffs to keep an easily-controlled rear bias. But it's all very subtle, so on the road, it just tracks around without much playfulness. On the track, BMW says it'll do drifty stuff. I don't doubt the veracity of that statement, only its relevance.

The ride is pretty firm. Adaptive dampers help to take the worst off it, but even so it pogoes and thumps. Those 'aero' door mirrors whistle noisily at speed.

All a bit meh?

The speed is undeniable. But with all its shouty styling and insanely complicated drive modes, it always seems to be egging you into a driving style that doesn't really suit it. It's actually a satisfying road car for going briskly and smoothly, but it's £88,185. An M340i xDrive Touring gives you as much driving satisfaction for £35k less.