Report: The Stig rumoured to be next James Bond villain

Here’s TopGear.com’s roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

Top Gear’s The Stig has reportedly been lined up to play a James Bond villain in the next 007 film, according to a flurry of online reports.

Following intense media speculation linking a roster of high-profile British actors to the role of the world’s most famous secret agent, talk has very quickly turned to his nemesis, with the famously mute, white-suited racing driver heading up the list of villains, reportedly as the evil ‘Dr Crossmember’.

The Stig has today refused to confirm, deny, or indeed offer any kind of recognisable human response to the rumours.

However, with speculation running at fever pitch, some commentators have noted that by ‘folding his arms and staring intently in a pretty scary way’, he was in fact verifying his place in the next 007 adventure as an antagonist, and not, as others have reported, ‘wondering what the hell else there is to know about ducks’.

“Every James Bond film needs a moderately scary baddie with odd mannerisms, a cracking name and an unexplained aversion to humans,” said one of many new online reports.

“Impervious to Bond’s charm by virtue of being impervious to most human dialogue, capable of heroically awkward silences and able to oversteer his rival out of the park, The Stig’s ‘Dr Crossmember’ could very well be the perfect foil to James Bond.

“And even if he just stands there silently, which he will, for days if you don’t bother him, he’ll still be a better Bond villain than that last one. Plus, we literally don’t have to write any lines for him,” the report added.