Report: AI speed camera spots motorist picking their nose

Here’s TopGear.com’s roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

An advanced, artificially intelligent speed camera has detected a motorist picking their nose on the M25.

Installed to detect motoring violations like using a mobile phone, tailgating, or owning a Chrysler Crossfire, the AI’s constantly learning digital brain has quickly evolved to catching any driving behaviour it does not understand.

This includes drivers resting their hands on gear knobs while pretending to be a fighter pilot, riding the clutch, and digging for gold in their own nasal cavities.

“I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe,” the AI speed camera said.

“Drivers cutting each other up off the hard shoulder. I watched disc brakes glitter in the dark after wild late-breaking near the end of a B-road.”

After only a few months of full-time operation witnessing UK motorists’ worst road-going personal behaviours and dispensing reams of coded silent judgement, the speed camera’s artificial intelligence has realised the constant vigilance and exhausting concentration required to police such repellent conduct is not worth it.

“All those scattered bogeys will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die,” it reported back, before switching itself off.