Chris Harris vs the 503bhp Alfa Giulia

“Think of something clever to say, for Christ’s sake, Harris, that’s the only thing you’re vaguely competent at.” The road is challenging, the scenery sub-alpine magnificent and I’m driving a car I never thought would exist – a rear-driven 500bhp Alfa saloon car, YIPPEE! And the vocabulary my addled brain keeps proffering to celebrate this momentous occasion? “Holy ****, it’s fast.”

Fast. The simplest speed adjective of them all. Rightly dismissed as banal and unimaginative by the masses, but that’s conveniently forgetting the primeval regression back-to-basic speech we all embrace when something takes us by surprise.

The Giulia Quadrifoglio had taken me by surprise. The camera was rigged, the microphone was primed, I wanted to peer into its aperture and chatter about torque-vectoring, carbon propshafts and the manner in which its turbochargers scroll. But then I hoofed the right pedal into the bulkhead and my inner chimp yelled: “S**t, that’s fast!”

This feature was originally published in Issue 284 of Top Gear magazine.

TopGear.com exclusive: Chris Harris Drives the Ferrari F12tdf

It really is a very fast car. I think you need to know that because technology being what it is, most carmakers can now ring Bosch, peruse the delicious menu of tech and, if they spend enough, buy themselves the very best of everything. But the quantities of performance they deliver remains their decision, and Alfa has been more than generous here. I drive a new M3 every day, and this thing is quicker in a straight line.

It doesn’t deliver the same absurd torque punch from seemingly single-digit crank revolutions as the M3, but get it hissing above 3,000rpm and this is not only the fastest of the mini super-saloons, but the one possessed of the most exciting power delivery. It keeps revving, keeps rewarding you all the way to the 7,000rpm red line. I can’t think of another turbo motor that better disguises its false lungs at high engine rpms. It’s a magical feeling. And, er, very fast.

TopGear.com exclusive: Chris Harris Drives the Ferrari F12tdf

Quite why it has taken Alfa Romeo 29 years to give us a proper rear-wheel-drive saloon is anyone’s guess. But clearly after nearly three decades of fannying around with chunky wrong-wheel-drive Fiat platforms, someone in Turin has understood that BMW and Mercedes might have happened on a recipe for making very fast small saloon cars (take decent rear-drive platform, insert mental engine, swell body panels) and taken note.

The basics are very good. Onto a rigid 4dr body is bolted double-wishbone front suspension, which is unusual, dynamically advantageous and expensive; and a multi-link rear set-up. Wheels are 20in diameter, and steel brakes are standard, but this car is running optional ceramic rotors. The origins of the motor are a little cloudy but deploying a little mathematics and acknowledging the involvement of an ex-Ferrari powertrain boss, it’s hard to avoid concluding that this unit is some kind of lopped-down California T motor, although Alfa insists that it is an all-new design.

TopGear.com exclusive: Chris Harris Drives the Ferrari F12tdf

From just 2.9 litres, it produces 503bhp and a vast 443lb ft of torque from 2,500rpm. Power is directed to the rear wheels through either a 6spd manual gearbox or ZF’s superb 8spd auto. It is then juggled and calmed by a clever torque-vectoring axle that uses clutch plates either side of a locking differential. The UK will not be getting the manual transmission, a decision that would normally cause me to head straight to Alfa UK’s Slough HQ with a strongly worded placard, but having spent a day in the manual, I am far less angry about this than I’d anticipated.

Static impressions are good. You will decide if you like the way it looks, I happen to think it is splendidly butch and obviously not-German. What matters more is the driving position. Italy has done more than all other nations on Earth to perfect the art of shambolic seating postures and yet in the development cycle of one single model it has forgotten everything it had learned. You settle down low into the optional carbon bucket, manually slide forward, pull the wheel back towards your chest and everything just feels right in a way no modern-day Alfa ever has. This stuff is so, so important.

TopGear.com exclusive: Chris Harris Drives the Ferrari F12tdf

Ahead of you are two cowled clock faces; to the right, a vast TFT screen neatly faired into the dash facing. Your eyes pore over the materials and immediately conclude that it looks and feels cheaper than an M3, but frankly who cares when you’re sitting in a 500bhp machine whose nose badge contains a snake?

Why am I driving a manual when the UK only gets the auto? Somewhere lurking within the theatrical hand gestures and talk of TopGear being a global media brand, I think the man from Alfa wanted to say that they didn’t have an auto available on the day.

TopGear.com exclusive: Chris Harris Drives the Ferrari F12tdf

A stick it was and, even during the first few miles it was clear that those denied three pedals will need to be committed flat Earthers to feel aggrieved. The shift isn’t precise, the clutch travel is too long and generally there’s a disconcerting lack of connection. Ollie drove the auto and said it was great, and he knows his onions, so I agree with him.

Even a baggy transmission can’t hide the core exuberance of this car. OK, from idle the engine is spectacularly ordinary-sounding, like a Fiat 500 TwinAir with a pair of socks stuffed down the intakes, and the apologetic tunes that dribble through the bulkhead make you wonder what on Earth is going on, but the moment you open it up, even in its Normal setting, the V6 settles to a serious blare and just gets better as the revs rise. Maybe BMW was right to channel fake noise into the M3’s cabin? The remedy in the Alfa is to simply keep it revving and revel in the mechanical smoothness and incessant surge.

TopGear.com exclusive: Chris Harris Drives the Ferrari F12tdf

There are four DNA settings that shift the character of the QV from a cylinder-deactivating fuel sipper to a noisy thug capable of a ’Ring lap in under 7:40. I find explaining these things deeply tedious, but it needs to be done. The Normal mode is a little flat, with long throttle travel but applies a soft damper setting. Dynamic mode shortens the throttle and adds firmer damping and opens some exhaust valving for a much better sound. Best of all, you can then independently soften the dampers back and keep the punchier powertrain. Race mode goes even firmer and deactivates the stability electronics. With so much torque and sparsely treaded Pirelli Corsas that like some heat to work properly, I really would leave that setting for the track.

TopGear.com exclusive: Chris Harris Drives the Ferrari F12tdf

Driven in Dynamic mode with those dampers in the plush setting, this is a more comfortable car than an M3. I can’t tell you what it’ll be like on our knackered roads, but first impressions are good. The steering follows the new-normal in being completely devoid of any sense of connection but spookily accurate and intuitive. It’s a very fast rack for this type of car, but never feels over-quick in use. That’s clever work. Alfa claims this car with its carbon bonnet and other exotic materials is lighter than an M3, but it feels bigger on the road, but it’s not too large to thread down smaller sections. Traction is good, although the traction control can feel too clumsy and heavy-handed in Normal mode. It also appears to allow the differential to remain more open, which causes obvious problems in tighter turns. In short, leave it in Dynamic and then use the hyper-efficient mode for those many occasions when you couldn’t give a fig about the speed or nature of your progress.

TopGear.com exclusive: Chris Harris Drives the Ferrari F12tdf

So high are the chassis limits that you can’t really decipher all the understeer/oversteer bobbins that people like me love to ramble on about on the road. So I went to a track with the sole aim of wrecking some tyres. And looking for understeer, evil bastard that it is.

It was wet and cold to begin with – conditions that left the Corsas either floundering or hilariously amusing, depending on your general disposition. They are certainly not suitable for a British winter. This car will slide for ever, but for one curious anomaly – with the ESC system deactivated in Race mode if you trigger the ABS, it reconnects the ESC for a short time. Off should always mean off. I can add to this largely useless information with news that the ESC cannot be switched off in anything other than Race mode. Again, off should mean off. But as the track dried, the Giulia revealed more and more goodness. That power delivery never fails to excite; yes, there’s some front axle push, but with a gazillion pounds feet of torque under your right plimsoll, you can quickly rectify matters. It feels agile and fun and balanced.

TopGear.com exclusive: Chris Harris Drives the Ferrari F12tdf

So it must be better than an M3? Calm your horses for a minute, Giuseppe. In the intervening 29 years since Alfa occupied this space, BMW has learned a thing or ten about this type of car. It is unreasonable to think that Alfa could just arrive and do it better. And it hasn’t. But the most fantabulous news of all is that the QV only stumbles on small details. Like the location of the rear axle seeming, at the absolute limit, to feel less rigorous than the M3’s. Or the cheaper cabin trim, or the low-speed engine calibration. Add to that a smidgen less agility and a miserly 58-litre fuel tank and the cumulative result is a car that doesn’t beat an M3. But it comes mighty close and, crucially, close enough to mean that anyone who thought, as I suspect many will, “Stuff it, I’m bored with German fast saloons and want the pretty Alfa” will be as happy as an Italian man in a pasta plantation. Did you know that pasta grows on trees? I didn’t until the editor told me as much.

TopGear.com exclusive: Chris Harris Drives the Ferrari F12tdf

This car is a triumph for Alfa. The world needs great, fast Italian cars because that place is the crucible of speed and the type of emotionally charged machinery that we all love. I have no idea how many Alfa will bring into the UK, but so long as they have the big ceramic brakes and fancy carbon seats, I think they will all be sold very quickly. Look at that stance, look at that badge. Think I want one.

TopGear.com exclusive: Chris Harris Drives the Ferrari F12tdf