Car-sized millipedes? TG crunches the numbers

“MILLIPEDES AS BIG AS CARS ONCE ROAMED NORTH ENGLAND!” roared the newspaper headline.Yes, in seismic news for fans of a) millipedes and b) northern beach holidays, a team of researchers from the University of Cambridge recently stumbled upon a huge fossil on Northumberland’s Howick Beach. Further investigation revealed this be to a section of the largest ever example of a giant, prehistoric, carnivorous millipede named Arthropleura. This vast arthropod was quickly dubbed “the biggest bug ever to exist” and “as big as a car”. To which, of course, the only appropriate obvious response is: as big as which car, exactly?

Prepare for some number crunching. The fossilised section of Arthropleura – henceforth known as Arthur, obviously – measured 76cm in length, allowing the Cambridge researchers to deduce that he clocked a precise 263cm from front to rear bumper. Which, while unquestionably chonky for a millipede, makes Arthur only half the length of a BMW X7 (and, despite being a nightmarish, fang-faced worm-beast, only half as upsetting to look at).

True, there are smaller cars than the X7. But even against less vast opponents, Arthur still comes up short: nearly a metre stumpier than a new Fiat 500; 36cm less than a Toyota iQ; 7cm less than a Smart Fortwo. OK, he was fractionally longer than a Renault Twizy, making him “as big as a car” in the same way that a Pomeranian is as big as a wolf.

The fossilised section of arthropleura measured half the length of a BMW X7

Of course, there’s more to size than length. And when you factor in Arthur’s other dimensions, it turns out... yeah, still nowhere near car sized, sorry mate. At 55cm wide, Arthur was less than half the breadth of a Twizy, and barely quarter the width of that X7. Which means we can say with some scientific authority that, while Arthropleura would have been a cinch to slot through even the narrowest of urban width restrictors, two abreast seating would be have been quite a challenge (not least because it was a bloodthirsty predator, and thus likely to messily devour you before you had the chance to assess its handling characteristics).

Kerbweight? No better, I’m afraid. At just 50kg (it’s unclear whether dry or with fluids), Arthur was hardly a tenth the weight of a Caterham Seven, though coincidentally boasted a similar level of technological sophistication. You’d have to pile no fewer than 50 Arthropleuras on the scales to balance out just one BMW X7.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that being pursued across a northern beach by a 50kg carnivorous millipede would be anything less than terrifying (the Cambridge researchers didn’t specify Arthur’s acceleration or top speed figures, but with all those legs you have to assume he’ll have decent traction even in slippery conditions), but there’s no getting away from the fact that Arthropleura wasn’t so much “as big as a car”, more “as big as a really big millipede”. Always happy to help.