Want a VW Touareg with nearly 500bhp? ABT’s got you

We don’t get the V8 TDI Volkswagen Touareg in the UK, but for those that do, some solace. We know how underpowered the 420-odd horsepower 4.0-litre is. We know you lay sleepless at nights, wondering why you have such little power.

ABT then, plays the role of Santa with its latest update for VW’s Big Car. It has announced a new ECU upgrade that delivers a much more reasonable 492bhp and a really very reasonable 715lb ft of torque, up from a simply laughable 664lb ft. Truly, this is now a car that can get out of its own way.

We jest, of course, because neither Volkswagen’s factory output (the most powerful Touareg they build) nor ABT’s upgrade are puny. ABT’s less puny effort also comes with a warranty, and if you have another flavour of Touareg - say a V6 diesel - it’ll happily juice those up too.

Elsewhere, the obligatory monster wheel upgrade is present and correct – 22s, kid – available in black, ‘dark smoke’ or plain old silver. Puddle lights make an appearance, also. Pah, puny puddles and their puny earth water.

ABT hasn’t divulged whether its new, bulkier Touareg will make any further gains on the original V8 TDI’s 0-62mph time of 4.9s. But 4.9s is fast in any conversation you may wish to have about cars.

Happy holidays, and so forth.