The new BMW X7 is 400% more obnoxious than before

Welcome to the future. BMW says the face of the revised X7 isn’t appearing only on this car. The split-headlight, even angrier look is in fact soon to appear on all ‘luxury’ BMWs. Hope you’re excited for the new 7 Series…

Back to the X7 then: the biggest, most expensive of BMW’s SUVs... for now. The plan for this update was to up the luxury (to stay ahead of the incoming new Range Rover), add extra tech, and make the car look even more aggressive. Job done. 

The headlights are now split, with the LED running lights up top giving the X7’s face its ‘eyes’, and the main headlamps shunted below. You guessed it, the grilles are indeed bigger. And they can now light up, if you tick the option. Standard X7 still too demure for you? The M Sport is even more furious. 

A good nerd nugget for you: this is the first BMW ever made to be offered with 23-inch wheels from the factory. And to give you an idea how big that is, the wheels BMW bolted to the very first M3 measured 15 inches in diameter. Hurrah for progress!

Inside, BMW has made some poor choices. Mainly, it has deleted buttons, replacing them with blank spaces on the dashboard designed to make it feel more minimalist and clean. To adjust the air-con or pop your heated seat on, you have to delve into the giant 14.9-inch curved display as found in the all-electric iX. 

Great. People are going to be barrelling along in 2.5-tonne uber-tanks prodding at a screen sub-sub-sub menu instead of tapping a single button and getting back to looking where they’re going. How’s that for progress?

All seven seats are motorised and can fold away with the touch of (thankfully) a proper button, proving BMW hasn’t totally lost its interior design marbles just yet. There’s new vegan upholstery too, which ought to take the edge off the guilt as you snort around with an even more powerful twin-turbo V8 under the bonnet. 

Each X7 now has 48-volt hybrid boost plumbed in. The X7 M60i V8 is good for 523bhp, or there’s a 3.0-litre straight-six with 374bhp if you’re in less of a hurry. The X7 40d diesel now gets 332bhp, and no matter which one you go for they’re all four-wheel drive with a fresh eight-speed automatic gearbox as standard. 

Air suspension is also standard, and BMW says it’s working on an app that’ll allow owners to adjust the ride height from a smartphone. If only there was – ooh, we dunno – a button for that?