Plot twist: Tesla wants to steal Porsche’s Nürburgring record

Hello and welcome to today’s edition of ‘What bonkers ideas has Tesla boss Elon Musk tweeted now?” Elon’s new wizard-wheeze is simple: “Model S on the Nürburgring next week.” See?

This is curious. Tesla is, let’s face it, no stranger to a publicity stunt. Got a Fart Mode? Yep.

Announce a 250mph sports car out of the blue? Check.

Fire a Roadster into space with a dummy in the driver’s seat? Completed it mate.

But in all its varied and internet-frothing history, Tesla has never shown any interest in the crucible of all car-fan arguments: the Nürburgring.

When the Roadster emerged: no lap time. When Model S got Ludicrous Mode… nothing. Not even a driverless lap on Autopilot. But now, Tesla’s been triggered by the Germans. By Porsche, no less.

On 27 August 2019, Porsche announced it had set a four-door EV lap record around the Ring, of 7mins 42 seconds. That’s incredibly quick even in these dizzying times, and all of a sudden Tesla, which previously couldn’t give a monkey’s about 'Ring times, is sending a Model S – a very quick four-door EV – to the very same racetrack. How very interesting. We believe the correct online parlance is 'butthurt'.

The internet – that’s you – might well go into meltdown over this. Will Tesla only do one lap? What tyres will the car use? Will it be stripped out and caged? The conspiracy theories will run and run. We’ll watch from a safe distance.

And meanwhile, Elon’s also not sure why Porsche’s shiny new all-electric car is named after what you find in dirty old combustion engines. Are you? And who's your money on for lap time glory?