What are the two new Aston Martins debuting at Pebble Beach?

This is not a news story.

And no, we’re not doing a ‘This is not a pipe’ bit, a la Rene Magritte. Instead, we’re informing you that we’ve been informed of two new Aston Martins that’ll formally debut at the rather formal affair that is Pebble Beach, but we have no information about the cars themselves. And this means that if the definition of news is something along the lines of presenting new information, ceci n'est pas une nouvelle.

So, what do we actually know?

Well, that the DBX707 – the world’s most powerful luxury SUV, according to Aston Martin – will be there for test drives, and that there’ll be an update on the Valhalla’s development, apparently focusing on its interior. Because that’s what’s important on a car with a Cosworth V12. And that apart from this, there’ll be two new Astons debuting at Pebble Beach. In other words, not a lot.

But much like any tabloid will demonstrate, a shortage of facts only means an opportunity for a surplus of baseless theories. And these theories are always presented best as rhetorical questions: Will the new Aston have vertical take-off capabilities? Will anyone actually notice the new badge design, or care that it was redesigned? Will one of the cars follow the Aston’s naming scheme of starting with a ‘V’, and does that mean it’ll be called ‘Victory for my son next year or I’m pulling your F1 funding?’ Until we know for sure, you can’t prove otherwise.

So no, it’s not a news story, and no, it’s not a Magritte homage. It was Bertrand Russell’s teapot all along, people.