How To Solve Britain’s Beer Crisis (With Supercars)

Terrible news! According to genuine, reputable outlets, Britain is facing an imminent shortage of beer, at the very time our nation needs it most.

The problem, it seems, is a nationwide shortage of carbon dioxide, vital to give beer its fizz. One of the UK’s two CO2 manufacturing facilities is closed for maintenance, and with demand soaring thanks to the warm weather, the World Cup and the necessity of distraction from the increasing certainty that humanity will soon destroy itself, that means we’re facing a beer-drought.

And it’s not just bad news for beer drinkers: CO2 also puts the spritz into soft drinks, and is used to keep meat and salad fresh (and presumably slightly fizzy).

Now. Top Gear would never claim to be the last word on matters scientific – with the exception of Paul Horrell, who not only managed to finish A Brief History Of Time, but also understood nearly a quarter of it – but we feel we may have the solution.

Because – and correct us if we’re wrong here – cars produce carbon dioxide, right? Quite a lot of it, in some cases. Generally regarded as a bad thing, but right now, with CO2 stocks dangerously low, that’s surely the answer. Use our most polluting cars to fizz beer!

Now, we’re not exactly sure of the process for getting CO2 from the tailpipe of a car into the molecular structure of beer. We’re guessing: length of hose, one of those old-school coffee filter paper things, and maybe a large conical flask.

Tiny, technical details. What we need to know at this stage is: which cars will most quickly put the fizz back in our nation’s beer? Which pump out the most CO2? Or possibly the most CO2s?

So here, without further ado, are the Ten Best Cars For Solving Britain’s Beer Crisis.

We’re not quite sure how much CO2 is required to fizz up a pint of beer (the internet seems curiously short on advice in this area: almost as if what we’re proposing isn’t actual possible science). But still, we’re thinking 300 grams of the stuff – the amount pumped out by the big Aston limo every thousand metres – must be plenty. Surely, Rapide owners of the UK, that’s the least you can do for your nation. Get that big V12 revving, and put some fizz back into the pints of your countrymen.

After all, you can’t spell ‘Rapide’ without IPA. Yeah. Think about it.

If there’s one nation that loves beer as much as Britain, it’s surely Germany. So props to our Teutonic brethren for coming to our aid in our time of need, in the shape of their magnificent mid-engined R8. Leave it in first for maximum fuel burn, stick it on the Pilsner taps.

We’ve long been convinced Infiniti must serve some purpose upon this planet, though until now it’s not been quite clear what that is. Until now. At last, Infiniti has a mission! We finally understand what the QX70 is for! It’s not a broadly undesirable SUV! It’s a broadly life-saving beer spritzification device!

Shame there’s so few around that they’ll struggle to keep the pumps flowing in a rural Harvester on an out-of-season Tuesday afternoon.

Some people may view a £240,000, 557bhp, two-door Range Rover with a supercharged V8 as a little... gauche. Antisocial. But what could be more social, and sociable, than bubbling up the beer of every pub in the north-east at tickover alone?

There can few better rear seats from which to recline, sipping upon a good ale, while your driver spirits you from boardroom to… wherever it is the sort of people who own Merc-Maybachs go after work. Wetherspoons, maybe?

And what could be better than a limo that freshly fizzes that good ale on the move? Top Gear feels it may have solved the central problem of the universe right here. The planets are aligning, and it is beautiful.

Sure, against the newest crop of sports-cabrio-things, the venerable GC might be a little off the pace in terms of dynamics and, um, pace. But there’s no denying it’s still a mighty handsome-looking old gimmer. And that’s important. Because Top Gear doesn’t just want to solve a nation’s beer crisis. Top Gear wants to look good while solving a nation’s beer crisis.

You know how it is. Sometimes you want to carbonate a nation’s ale as fast as possible. But sometimes, you want to take a bit longer putting the bubbles back into Britain’s beer. Take your time. Do it properly. Enter the Phant.

Again, we’re a little sketchy on the science, but we feel a Phantom would somehow produce more luxurious, silkier, somehow weightier bubbles than your average car.

‘Lusso’, of course, is Italian for ‘lightly carbonated for a refreshing, hoppy finish’. And the four-seat, four-wheel drive GTC4Lusso really is the Ferrari of choice for the discerning beer-fizzer who wants to operate whatever the weather.

Mostly on account of the billowing clouds of CO2 emerging from its tailpipe. But also, y’know, the four-wheel drive thing.

Bentley has become a truly international success story in recent years, becoming the marque of choice for minted chief-exec types all over the globe.

But now it’s time for Bentley to remember its British roots, and come to the aid of its home nation. Good burghers of Crewe, fire up your W12s, and give our country back its fizz!

This is it. The big daddy of carbonation. The most CO2-tastic car you can buy. Much as you never appreciate having bought a fire alarm until you really, really need it, so the social credentials of the thirsty, shouty V12 Italian have never really been apparent until this terrible crisis befell our sceptered isle.

Big lad, this is your time. Go turn a barrel of Guinness into weird, black champagne in 30 seconds flat.