UK govt to bulk buy Honda VTEC modules and Garrett turbos to boost economy

Here’s TopGear.com’s roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

The chancellor of the exchequer has announced the government intends to bulk buy Honda’s variable valve timing technology and Garrett turbochargers in order to boost the UK economy.

Following official data showing no growth in the UK’s GDP during the second half of 2024, chancellor Rachel Reeves will implement radical steps to literally turbocharge the country.

And once the new parts have been bolted onto the UK, Ms Reeves expects the power curve to peak at a much higher point, while the torque curve will be ‘flatter and phatter, yo’.

“For too long, our country has been held back,” Ms Reeves said. “For too long, we have accepted poor economic power and torque curves, glacial financial throttle response and accepted the risk of cheap fuelling.

“Low power is not our destiny. Economic growth is the number one mission of this government, and we are going to go further and faster to deliver it by upgrading the nation’s internals, adopting better cam profiles and through simply wicked forced induction.

“Just wait until the UK’s VTEC kicks in, yo,” she added.

Treasury officials also confirmed the new Oxford-Cambridge ‘growth corridor’ will be a massive tunnel staffed exclusively by a fleet of V12 supercars, and that Heathrow’s incoming new third runway will double up as a drag strip to lay down ‘sick 11s’ and show off the country’s ‘mad skillz’.