Exclusive: man marries Porsche

Here's TopGear.com's roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

A middle-aged man has taken the bold step of marrying his Porsche 911.

Despite closing off his heart to feelings after believing he could never truly find love, the man soon realised he had developed a deep well of emotion for an inanimate box of metal and oil long worshipped by the motoring community.

What originally began as a mid-life crisis purchase many years ago very quickly snowballed into the most meaningful relationship the man has ever experienced.

“I’ve never before been lucky in love,” the man admitted, “so when I bought the 911 to compensate for my lack of human partnership and advancing years and fears of irrelevance, I wasn’t expecting to be whisked off into a wonderland of rear-engined affection.”

“It eventually drew me headfirst into an ocean of love I felt unable to escape from.

“Every waking hour was spent either thinking about driving the 911, or talking about the 911, or buying milled aluminium bonnet struts for the 911, or researching the period-correct leather for the seats or talking about the 911 to such an extent my friends and family became catatonic.

“Basically, everything 911. I then took the only step I could logically take from here: lifetime matrimony with the only thing I have ever truly desired. My 911," he added, trying to hold back his overflowing emotions.

The man later admitted the honeymoon would be a trip to a Porsche specialist where he planned on spending his retirement fund on upgrading the engine and fitting Fuchs wheels.