What's the weirdest automotive esport?

I was pleased and slightly bemused to hear sim racing ‘esports’ getting a mainstream mention recently. During the Hungarian GP, Max Verstappen was criticised for being irritable on the radio, reportedly because he had stayed up playing video games until 3am. I can honestly say, I’ve never found a Formula One world champion and consummate athlete more relatable.

Max had been competing in the iRacing Spa 24 Hours, a virtual endurance race, alongside his esports squad Team Redline. This sort of digital competition is still enormously popular, though it hit its peak during the pandemic, when real motor racing wasn’t an option. It was a strange time, and never more so than when I ended up in an invitational F1 esports race competing against Nico Rosberg, David Coulthard and the footballer Roberto Carlos. I’ve had weirder Sunday evenings, but not many.

It got me thinking about what the most bizarre automotive esport might be. After all, there are simulations for all sorts of fantastically obscure forms of driving. Things like Street Cleaning Simulator or the dramatically titled Airport Firefighting Department: The Simulation. And that train of thought is what led me to watching 10 hours of the Farming Simulator world championship live from ‘Farmcon’ in Germany.

Farming Simulator is legitimately a hugely successful series. Apparently one of the biggest audiences for the game is actual farmers who, after getting up at 5am and spending 12 hours driving a real tractor, inexplicably then spend a further four hours driving a pretend one. As you’d expect, then, rather than sleek racing cars like Forza and Gran Turismo, Farming Sim esports has players behind the wheel of tractors and agricultural vehicles from brands like John Deere and New Holland. There is a Lamborghini in the game, but I regret to inform you that it is also a tractor.

As far as I can make out, with its power ups and opportunities to sabotage the opposing team, Farming Sim esports doesn’t bear much similarity to real farming, unless there’s some pretty strange stuff happening out in the countryside while we’re not looking. Teams begin the round by attempting to get a single first hay bale into the barn for an early bonus, which results in tractors storming towards the building, deploying a hay bale from the baler at a precise moment and essentially slinging it towards the entrance like a sort of agricultural drive by. Then there’s the not uncommon sight of a tractor driving precariously up the conveyor belt to the barn’s upper doors in order to deliver bales more quickly. Efficient? Yes. Extremely dangerous? Also yes.

But like all sports, if you stare at it for long enough, it becomes compelling. The championship was won by the all conquering Helm team (sponsored by and named for a fertiliser and herbicide manufacturer, of course) and it collected a giant novelty cheque for nearly €30,000. It’s for that reason that I’ve been in training for when street cleaning esports becomes a thing. Put me in coach, I’m ready...