Opinion: a £115m Mercedes-Benz SLR is an entirely sensible purchase

Earlier this year, a 1955 Mercedes 300 SLR ‘Uhlenhaut’ Coupe became the most expensive car in history, selling for £115m. This inevitably prompted a rash of articles attempting to contextualise this insane figure, pointing out the many other things its new owner could have bought for the same money. None of which, when you stop and think about it, make any more sense. For example:

9738 Kia Picantos

Traditionally, the role of ‘very affordable car’ would be played here by the Dacia Sandero. But the Sandero’s gone all la-di-da expensive recently, so the Picanto it is. Of which, at £11,810 a pop, you could have nearly 10 thousand for the cost of one Uhlenhaut.

However. Excellent as a Kia Picanto is, a single Kia Picanto is really all you need. Any more than one, admin nightmare. Where are you going to park your nine thousand Picantos? Who’s going to stay on top of the MOT rota? What’s your system with all the keys? One Uhlenhaut, on the other hand, far easier to keep tabs on. And, despite boasting a mere 306bhp against the Picantos’ combined 643,000bhp, still quicker over the quarter-mile. Convenient.

An eight-bedroom mansion in Mayfair with an actual river in its dining room

Course we’d all love an eight-bedroom mansion in Mayfair with an actual river in its dining room. But the problem with an eight-bedroom mansion in Mayfair is that it’s very much… stuck in Mayfair. Nice part of the world, but what if you want a change of scene? You can’t bring your dining-room-river with you. An Uhlenhaut, by its very design, usefully portable. Self-portable, in fact. Victory to the Merc.

Most of a Neymar

In 2017, Neymar cost Paris Saint-Germain £198m. So for the price of an Uhlenhaut, you could have around 60 per cent of a Neymar. Which, assuming you definitely want the legs (they’re the best bit!) probably takes you up to… roughly nipple-level? Wherever the exact dividing line, it’s going to make a dreadful mess.

But even if you convince PSG to throw in the rest of Neymar for free… do you really want a Neymar? Sure he’s a lovely bloke, but once he’s done a few keepie-uppies to entertain the kids, what are you going to do with him? He’s going to need feeding, watering and tattooing. He’s definitely won’t enjoy being garaged for winter. Too much hassle.

Edvard Munch’s The Scream

In possession of a lot of definitely-legitimately-acquired cash which, for completely innocent reasons, needs to be quickly shifted from your account? Art’s an even better bet than classic cars. But, though you could pick up Munch’s nightmare-inducing masterpiece for roughly Uhlenhaut money, here’s the issue: how do you show it off to your minted mates?

Oh yeah, fine if the party’s at yours, but what if it’s round at Bob and Janine’s? While your straight-eight Fifties supercar can be conveniently driven anywhere you wish to flaunt your great worth, art’s not so easy. You could, theoretically, bring your pastel-on-card masterpiece with you (“What, this little old thing? Oh, just my proto-expressionist study of the anxiety of the human condition!”) but it’s going to look a bit… desperate, isn’t it? Not to mention all the additional expenditure on bubble-wrap and masking tape.

In conclusion: £115m Merc, totally sensible purchase.