Ten things we learned this week

Lil' Wayne, according to the yoof department of the TG office, is a professional rapper who has done rather well for himself. Lil' Wayne has a daughter called Reginae, who has just turned 16. Doting father that he is, Lil' thought he'd buy his daughter something nice to celebrate the occasion. A car, no less.

A sweet thought. After all, what self-respecting 16-year-old wouldn't be delighted with a nice sensible first motor, like, ooh, a Toyota GT86, or a Golf R, or even a Porsche Cayman?

But no, such learner-driver offerings weren't enough for Mr Wayne. Lil', it transpires, purchased for young Reginae a FRICKIN' FERRARI 599 GTO. Yes, the harder, faster, nastier version of Ferrari's recently replaced front-engined supercar; a rear-wheel demon packing no less than 661bhp, and with a reputation for testing the limits of even the most experienced drivers. A brute that Mr Clarkson described as "not a car, but a wild animal". Hmm.

When entertainment site TMZ questioned whether such a ride was, y'know, safe in the hands of a 16-year-old, it was told, "Wayne, Toya [Reginae's mother] and Memphitz [her stepfather] all agreed Reginae was a capable driver who could handle such a powerful car."

Well, that's alright then.

Lego versions of real cars are ten-a-penny on the internet, but there aren't too many official sets of specific models, and certainly none that aren't obviously mainstream.

Hence why we're rallying the troops (that's you) to help make this Lego Caterham Seven an actual thing. Lego's own website has an ‘Ideas' section for fans to submit their own concoctions, and this is the rather fine and commendably detailed work of user 'bricktrix_1908'.

If a project receives the support of 10,000 people, Lego will look at putting it into production. You'll need to spare a minute or two to set up an account, but think of the joy you could bring yourself by voting: it's the kit of a kit car! And it should be a fair sight more manageable than building the real thing...

There are plenty of other car proposals too, including a fantastic 911 Turbo. While feverishly supporting them all, you could even upload your own four-wheeled brickwork...

…before bumping chests with a cartoon butcher and throwing pork scratchings at members of the public. We can’t add anything else to either cast light on what’s happened nor exaggerate the peculiarity of it all.
 
All we can say as that everyone’s favourite rider yet to win the Isle of Man TT has been dragged, hopefully kicking and screaming, into what future generations will horrifyingly find as an example of ‘advertising’. For the sake of Guy’s pride, let’s hope his larder is currently full to bursting with free packets of fried pig skin.

The most absurd video you'll see this week (possibly ever) is here...

Tea making, setting up an email account and familiarizing yourself with the canteen; all things most people have to contend with on their first day in a new job.

But then Sebastian Vettel isn't most people. And his new job at Ferrari meant a quick blat around Fiorano - that's Ferrari's very own private test track in Maranello - in an old V8-powered F1 car.

As first days go, you'll admit it was a good one. Watch the video here. Reckon he'll drag the Scuderia back to the heady days of the Schuey era?

He's a lucky bloke, that Bond fella. Not only has he had a whole new Aston Martin designed entirely for his benefit this week, but he's seemingly got car makers queueing at his door. Given his track record of rarely returning cars in one piece, that does surprise us.

Anyhow, Sky News has this week reported that Bond will partake in a car chase through Rome in a Fiat 500 in his 24th film, Spectre, when it launches next November. Odds-on it all ends in complete and utter carnage.

Solving the threat of drink-driving is one of the major conundrums facing manufacturers. A range of solutions have been proposed, from breathlyser-locked ignitions to systems that can monitor a driver's eyes, road behaviour and even sweat for signs of tipsiness.

But German researchers are on the tottery road to developing a far more cunning method to detect inebriation: a car that listens to the driver's speech patterns, refusing to start if it senses schlurring, offisher.

Linguistic researchers at the Bavarian Archive for Speech Signals spent two presumably entertaining years (a) forcing men and women to get drunk and then (b) recording their speech patterns. They've compiled the findings into something called the Alcohol Language Corpus, a database that will form the basis of software that will ask friendly questions of a driver, and analyse the responses for giveaway signs such as stammering, stuttering and self-correction. Apparently you can train a computer to recognise intoxication much as you can teach it to recognise, for example, a Yorkshire accent. Which is more intelligible remains unclear.

Such tech is still some way off finding its way into family hatchbacks, but it raises a whole bunch of interesting issues. For one, what happens if you simply refuse to respond to your car's interrogation? And what about if you're naturally cursed with a stammering, slurred voice, even when sober?

Good news! The mightiest C7 Vette yet - the rather loopy 650bhp Z06 - will be officially sold in Europe.

Bad news! We're being a bit ripped off. Admittedly, a 99,500-euro price tag in the German market makes it cheaper than a 394bhp Porsche 911. Great value. But it also ensures it's nearly twice as pricey as in its American home market. Not so great, eh...

Most head-swivelling motorsport story of the week comes from Toro Rosso, though it's probably no surprise to learn that it doesn't concern the now 52-year-old former WRC champ with a co-driver prone to smash his helmet through glass.

Nope, Sainz Sr's 20-year-old son has been snapped up by Red Bull's feeder team. Carlos Sainz Jr will line up alongside 17-year-old Max Verstappen - another son of a famous dad - creating a driver line-up with a combined age lower than Mark Webber's own.

And there was Bernie telling us F1's not aimed at kids...

The man who caused an inexplicable strain of hate to arise in Sir Stig (when he thrashed his time around the track in our old Liana) and who recently was the first F1 driver to visit Mark Webber in hospital, has won the 2014 Brazilian stock car championship.

Yep, since finishing his Formula One career in 2011, Mr Rubens has been busy swapping paint in the South American racing series that sees silhouette racers with V8 engines go toe to toe.

Well done, Rubens. We're still trying to calm down Stiggy, though.

Let's be honest, this isn't something we learned this week. But it was wholeheartedly reinforced when team sponsor Audi turned up to offer Real Madrid's players their annual pick of free cars. (Yes, the same Real Madrid that pays Gareth Bale and Cristiano Ronaldo roughly £300,000 a week, if you're as perplexed as us by the whole affair.)

A list of what everyone picked has emerged. Ronaldo went for an S8, while Bale opted for a diesel Q7, as with the vast majority of his teammates. Quite how they remember whose is whose after training is beyond us.

You can watch an overwhelmingly lame video of the whole process here.