Geneva Motor Show 2014: the tuners

As well as bringing you all the latest news from mainstream manufacturers at this year's Geneva motor show, we also donned our bling-resistant sunglasses, swallowed a couple of anit-nausea tablet and headed out to and what the Euro tuning scene’s been up to.

After penetrating the inner sanctum of ‘world’s finest’ tuning companies (they all claim to be the world’s finest) we’ve picked out the good, the bad and the damn right tacky from the 84th Geneva show for your (dis)pleasure.

WARNING: By clicking forward on this gallery you are accepting full liability for your actions. If impromptu heaving/chills/ the burning desire to scratch your retinas out of your sockets occurs, Top Gear can accept no liability. You have been warned.

Pictures: Rowan Horncastle 

Brands like Mansory, Hamann and ABT are all staple stands on the motorshow circuit. So when we descended to the lower hall of Geneva’s PalExpo and were confronted by a new tuning company, our eyebrows raised with intrigue.

Turns out Nimrod is a Slovakian company owned by Bader Al Roudhan, a Kuwaiti car collector who now resides in Hungary. Not happy with his Paganis, Bugattis, Spykers, Mr Al Roudhan says he wanted to sculpt an aesthetic all of his own in the supercar market.

And, in fairness, he’s done just that with the Katyusha – a car Nimrod claims is: “a Russian woman with a highly sophisticated Italian charm but with the Russian power that can destroy you immediately.”

It looks rather more like a terribly rebodied Ferrari 458 to us.

No word if the Katyusha gets performance or dynamic enhancements under the skin. Or how much it’ll cost. But don’t forget you’ll have to cough up nearly £200,000 for the base 458 before Nimrod can even set its hacksaw to it….

When a certain Mr J. Clarkson tested McLaren’s new hybrid hypercar, the P1, he claimed it was a giant leap for mankind.

But a small tuning company reckons it can make that giant leap a tiny bit bigger.

FAB Design managed to get their hands on one of the first P1s, adding added more parts and carbon to try and improve the 903bhp McLaren’s frankly shoddy performance.

There are extra spoilers on the spoiler, because McLaren obviously didn’t do enough testing in their F1 wind tunnel. FAB has also grafted on bigger carbon deflectors on the side, to aid the airflow P1 designer Frank Stephenson obviously missed.

There’s also full carbon composite wheels like on Koenigsegg's One:1 because McLaren’s gorgeous lightweight P1 wheels are far too common. Aren’t they?

If you’re serious about business and your hobby is torque, you need the the G65-based 800bhp Brabus iBusiness.

Power-hungry German tuner Brabus has taken the G65’s 6.0-litre V12 Biturbo engine, and turned it up to at least 14 with the aid of bigger turbochargers and four water-to-air intercoolers. The end result is 800bhp and 1047lb ft of torque… in a car with the aerodynamic properties of a four-bedroom semi.

Even so, it’s a bloody fast four-bedroom semi. The super-G gets from 0-62mph in 4.2 seconds, presumably while watching Top Gear on iPlayer via the 15.6-inch monitor and high-speed internet connection. All while a bottle of Bolly chills in the onboard refrigerator. Very nice.

Best of all, there’s a massive inverter that glows in a kaleidoscope of disco colours but also looks like a bomb from a low-budget movie, concealed in a Perspex box in the boot floor

Mansory’s stand at Geneva is always an Aladdin's cave of gaudiness. Want a carbon fibre and gold ostrich skin office chair? They've got it. Matte black, modified golf buggy? No problem.

But Mansory’s latest edition to its carbon fibre fleet is no less than the Rolls Royce Wraith, the fastest and most dynamic Rolls ever created. But not fast enough for Mansory.

The Wraith’s 6.6-litre V12 is cranked up 740 bhp, with Mansory adding a new front apron with integrated LED and daytime running lights, front wings, side skirts, a rear apron and a roof spoiler, all in a bid to prevent the British behemoth becoming the world’s most exquisite ground-to-air missile.

The Aventador seems to be the go-to modding supercar in 2014. Hamann’s ‘Limited’ has gone big on the visuals, with new nostrils at the front and a massive, adjustable spoiler at the rear.

Hamann has also replaced the Aventador’s back-end with its own design, made completely out of carbon fibre. A family of Muppet frogs was cruelly skinned for that vibrant green interior. Such is the price of exclusivity.

Klassen’s Excellence Viano MVD 1266 Business Luxury Van Limousine by Mercedes-Benz (they may need to think of a catchier name) extends by over a metre in length at the push of a button when stationary.

This makes the luxo bullet-proof van over six metres long at full stretch, meaning there’s plenty of room to lay back in the reclining captain’s chairs as you try to remember what the code for the onboard safe is.

If there’s one tuning company with the midas touch it’s Carlsson. Aiming to harness the cash of China’s ultra-wealthy ‘Taipan’ clients, the tuning company has decided to decorate the new Mercedes S-Class in solid gold. Inside and out.

Why? As tribute to the French aristocratic way of life, apparently.

We’re told production is limited edition to 25 S-Classes, each of which can be stuffed with as much as 700bhp.

To make your Merc into a rolling bullion takes 200 man-hours, with more than 1,000 sheets of real wafer-thin gold leaf applied. That’s just for the outside. Inside requires another 100 man-hours to cover 278 parts – including the centre console, dash knobs, air vents and speaker grilles ­– with more gold.

Tuning doesn’t have to all be gold leaf paintjobs and jazzy rhinestones. For Geneva, the ever-tasteful chaps at Alpina cooked up a stealth alternative to the M6 Gran Coupe.

It’s called the B6 xDrive Gran Coupe, and boasted an upgraded 4.4-litre twin-turbocharged V8 engine tweaked that spits out 540bhp and 540 lb ft of torque.

This power is sent, via an eight-speed sport automatic transmission, to BMW’s xDrive all-wheel drive system. That means traction, lots of it and a 0-62mph time of 3.7 seconds.

The restrained Alpina styling sees a cheeky chin spoiler, multi-spoke alloys, and a beefier rear diffuser to keep the car stable at its 198mph top speed.

Land Rover worked tirelessly to reduce the weight of its new Range Rover Sport, using an new all-aluminium monocoque to shave 360kg from its predecessor.

But Hamann has done its best to undo all that hard work, treating the RRS to wide fenders, a wide bonnet, a wide front bumper, a wide front spoiler, a wide rear bumper and wide side sills. Back to Weightwatchers for you, RRS…