Five game characters we’d make McLaren F1 boss to sort out Oscar and Lando

There’s trouble brewing at MTC. We all heard it in Oscar’s voice as he asked if we’re okay with Lando crashing into him. It was the latest in a series of incidents this season in which McLaren, in an effort to keep their two-way driver’s championship battle cordial, in fact ended up riling their drivers up even more with bureaucratic process that, if we’re honest, isn’t much of a substitute for overtakes when you’re watching the race on telly.

We’ve been thinking about it, and while we’d never wish to see the magnificent Andrea Stella deposed, we can’t help but wonder if this situation couldn’t be remedied by dropping in a game character to settle the mid-race squabbles instead. Like this lot, for example.

Let’s start with a nice, grounded, sensible option. We want to convey that we’ve really thought about this, and although we’re talking about individuals who fundamentally don’t exist, that doesn’t mean there may not be some real wisdom and value in these picks. So we’re starting with Bioshock’s Atlas, the alias of a mad teamster who uses mind control to overthrow a sub-aquatic society of unethical intellectuals.

You can see the benefits, can’t you? “Lando’s let us know that he had his fingers crossed before when he said he’d be happy to stay in P2, Oscar. So invert the positions, please.”

“What? No.”

“Oscar, would you kindly let Lando past this lap? Ah, there you go. Good boy. Now don’t forget to take a golf club to that Red Bull when you’re in parc fermé.”

It takes a wily individual to get one over on Geralt of Rivia. The ivory-haired monster hunter is so wizened and world-weary, he speaks to NPCs like someone’s charging him by the word. Even sitting down to play a round of Gwent or enjoying a lovely bath somehow seem like massive impositions, the way Geralt approaches them.

And yet that’s exactly what the unassuming Gaunter O’Dimm manages. Popping up in the Hearts of Stone expansion as an absolutely forgettable charisma vacuum of an NPC who turns out to be one of the most powerful, sinister and clandestine beings in the entire universe.

Ergo: he can probably persuade the young and headstrong McLaren duo to stop their impromptu games of mid-race rock paper scissors which currently seem to be determining the 2025 world driver’s championship. If he can trick someone out of their very soul, he’s probably more than capable of bamboozling an irate racer for 58 laps.

A mystery wrapped in an enigma, sprinkled with a fine mist of paradox, nobody’s sure who the G-Man is, or why he speaks like a sleep-deprived Christopher Walken. All we know is that when he turns up in classic 1998 shooter Half-Life and tells you to do his bidding – albeit in an incredibly opaque way that’s perfect for the frustrating interview exchanges of an F1 team principal – you shut up and do it.

The same happens at the end of the game, when you’re faced with either continuing to obey him or being teleported to the back end of killer alien territory. Also he’s very smartly dressed, in a way that would fit in perfectly among the polished surfaces and conservative haircuts of the McLaren Technology Centre.

We’ll level with you, Crash is on this list because he’s orange. Is his shade of orange the same brand-approved papaya that McLaren uses? It’s not for us to say. We’re neither a McLaren partnerships manager nor an East London graphic designer in absurd Japanese streetwear who can identify pantone numbers by sight.

But let’s think it through. How would it feel to be given a team order by a character this earnest and cheerful? How would it then feel to disobey that team order? Most F1 team principals look like they’re having the worst day of their life every time you see them. If you make them angry, what’s the measurable difference really? But when you disappoint Crash Bandicoot, you’d really know about it.

Plus, although he hasn’t competed in Formula One, he has done that really bloody hard bridge level where you have to avoid the gaps and the rhinos, and that would surely buy him some authority with his drivers.

Finally, a man whose name does the job for him. Big Boss is the genetic father of Metal Gear Solid 2’s Solid Snake, stars in several series entrants, and never looks anything less than smouldering. Rarely has a character conveyed such quiet self-assurance while wearing a feathered mullet, piratical eye patch and bandana combo.

He’s also well-trained in the art of radio conversation, having spent the lion’s share of each game he stars in waffling on about various expository elements with the team back at base instead of getting on with clobbering people.

Next time there’s a squabble over who gets to stand on the top step because Lando took all the best bits at the breakfast buffet, or because Oscar’s pit crew didn’t get very good seats on the plane over and thus may be slightly tired, leave it to the Big Boss.