18
1993
"The government spends millions telling us it is foolish to smoke, but not a penny telling us not to go to Norfolk unless you like orgies and the ritual slaying of farmyard animals."
Advertisement - Page continues below1994
"Michael Schumacher is a German. Which means that he should, by rights, be fat, loud, vulgar and in possession of some ridiculous clothes to go with his absurd facial hair."
1995
"A book is no good unless I cannot put it down. If Princess Diana had walked into my bedroom naked as a jaybird just as I was three quarters of the way through The Devil's Advocate, I wouldn't have looked up long enough even to tell her to get lost."
Advertisement - Page continues below1996
"If the environmentalists ever realise their dreams, you can kiss goodbye to free thought and say hello to the Gestapo or the KGB. Environmentalism is every bit as dangerous as communism or fascism."
1997
"Prolonging a boring life is worse than not starting it in the first place. This is why you must not drive a Toyota Corolla."
1998
"Anyone who fails their driving test three times should be told that they may not apply again. They must accept that they can't drive, in the same way I have now accepted that I'll never be an astronaut or a lesbian."
1999
"In six days, God created Heaven and Earth and then, just to keep his oppo amused, he let Beelzebub do Birmingham."
Advertisement - Page continues below2000
"Last week, I flew in a jet that went out of control at 42,000 feet. I emerged to say that this was the worst thing I'd ever done, only to be told by a photographer, ‘No, your chat show is the worst thing you've ever done'."
2001
"Would you buy a jumper if you knew that it'd been knitted by a five year-old girl in leg irons, who'd got paid in Rohypnol?"
Advertisement - Page continues below2002
"Devising new ways to annoy people in cagoules should be on the school curriculum."
2003
"The Ferrari 360 is uncool. Have you ever seen one being driven by someone you'd have round for dinner? In London, they all look like Albanian Mafia and up north they all look like they own carpet shops in Dewsbury."
2004
"We used to be good at building bridges and tunnels and trains. Now you can't even get from London to Manchester without being bankrupted and killed."
2005
"All new drivers should have a big crash as soon as possible after passing their test. The aftershock of such an event will act as a giant psychological traction control system until full maturity is reached. In men, this is around 45 years later."
2006
"I try on opinions like I try on clothes, standing in front of a mirror and wondering if they really suit me."
2007
"James May may or may not snore. It's hard to say for sure because the farting is so incessant and so loud that you can hear nothing else. He is a sinus and an arsehole."
2008
"I've tried my hand at all sorts of hobbies. I collected stamps as a boy. I had a train set. I've attempted gardening, reading, chess, jigsaws, golf, tennis, painting, bird spotting, and looking at pornography on the internet. And I've been extremely bad at all of them."
2009
"Making a hybrid to stave off disaster is like replacing a broken windowpane with a sheet of polythene. Yes, it makes the room feel all snug and warm again, but you're still going to get burgled."
2010
"Someone should start an airline called ‘I'll Take My Chances Air'. You drive up to the door of the plane, you get on immediately with no checks whatsoever, and then it just takes off. If it blows up, it blows up and that will have been a small price to pay."
2011
"Eating on a beach at night is not romantic. It's windy. There's nothing on God's green earth that kills the testosteronic urges quite so dramatically as a Force Four. This is because your new wife looks like Worzel Gummidge, and everything you put in your mouth is full of sand. Including your new wife."
2012
"Speed focuses the mind. It cuts through the fog of drab everyday living and keeps us on our toes. Speed works. Speed saves lives. Speed is good. And we should have more of it, not less."
2013
"I look myself in the mirror and imagine that if I'd been made in heaven's assembly plant, it must have been last thing on a Friday when they were running short of parts. ‘Oh go on, God. Let's just make one more before we knock off'."
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