Olympic opening ceremony to be volley of Citroen 2CVs fired into the Seine

Here’s TopGear.com’s roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

The 2024 Olympic Games in Paris will open with a spectacular display consisting exclusively of thousands of Citroen 2CVs being launched across the city into the River Seine.

Instead of the customary fare of music, dance, cultural storytelling and fireworks, bosses have decided to rip up the playbook in favour of something “more quintessentially French”.

Large sections of the capital have been closed to the public in recent days, and on the eve of the Games bosses have finally revealed that the disruption was to allow the construction of an arsenal of air cannons along the banks of the river, the like of which hasn’t been seen since the last of the Napoleonic Wars in 1815.

“The opening ceremony will be a truly proud day for the people of France,” said an organiser. “What could inspire the athletes more than a shower of humble 2CVs tumbling through the Parisian sky before slamming into the water at great speed?

“A team of divers will then emerge with a basket of unbroken eggs from the passenger seat, symbolising both the unbreakable strength of the nation and the benefits of long-travel suspension.”

When questioned if the display undermined recent efforts to cleanse the famously polluted river for several outdoor swimming events, the organiser merely shrugged and said: “C’est la vie.”

Meanwhile, reports suggest that the ceremony will end with the Olympic flame being lit from the burning embers of an early prototype Alpine A110.