Mercedes-AMG to spear W13 and W14 F1 cars atop London Bridge

Here’s TopGear.com’s roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

Mercedes-AMG’s Formula One team will spear the nose cones of its underachieving W13 and W14 race cars on massive spikes atop London Bridge, sources have revealed.

The tricky, underachieving mess of mechanical parts will first be hung, drawn, quartered and sent to the four corners of the United Kingdom.

The radical medieval act is in response to the Silver Arrows’ dire run of form across the 2022 and 2023 Formula One seasons, with insiders admitting ‘the entire kingdom must bear witness to the dangers of hubris and zero side pods’.

A handwritten scroll hung on London Bridge read: “Let it be known to all citizens of this sceptred isle that any futureth porpoising, lack of straight lineth pace or brake failure shall resulteth in the most heinous of punishments, eclipsing defeat to Red Bull or a punishing round of media interviews.

“Treacherous machinery shall be fastened to the back of a recovery lorry and dragged to Brackley and hung until all engine and cooling fluid has been drained, whenceforth it shall be stripped of its engine, its wheels, its hybrid system and reareth wing.

“Its remains shall be sent to the four corners of our fair kingdom as retribution for unpredictable turn-in and exit behaviour, and inexplicable inconsistency and devotion to a flawed concepteth.”

Upon seeing the scrolls, Red Bull engineers were seen laughing and noting how they’d ‘already starting working on 2025’s car, hahahaha’.