Exclusive: Brad Pitt’s F1 movie to be 120 minutes of managing tyres

Here’s TopGear.com’s roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

Brad Pitt and Lewis Hamilton’s upcoming Formula One movie will be two straight hours of watching drivers manage their tyres and teams discussing when to move onto the hards, insiders have revealed.

Shooting continues on the much-anticipated F1 film – simply called F1 – where instead of watching the fastest drivers in the world go flat out, viewers will be treated to interminable scenes of nursing home a set of 27-lap old softs at 7/10ths.

Despite a new trailer showcasing some exciting on-track action and sparse dialogue, insiders confirmed these scenes only account for ‘around two or three minutes’, with the remaining runtime taken up by close-up footage of shredded red-, yellow- and white-marked Pirellis and non-stop mentions of ‘graining’ and ‘blistering’, interspersed with the odd ‘why aren’t we on the hards, man’ outburst.

“We wanted to capture the purest essence of modern Formula One,” an insider said, “and nothing screams modern Formula One than endless chat about tyre strategy and driving well under the limit in an attempt to nurse home a set of softs you should have binned five laps ago.

“There’ll be amazing dialogue where drivers and teams talk about ‘thermal degradation’ and tyres ‘falling off a cliff’ and ‘I got no grip, man’, followed by pen interviews of drivers saying they couldn’t push too hard because of the tyres.

“This movie will be motorsport’s version of Top Gun, if Top Gun was two hours of performing pre-flight checks and managing fuel loads to make it back to base.”

Insiders also confirmed a special ‘director’s cut’ that’d swell the movie’s runtime to 180 minutes in order to accurately, lovingly and intricately show the FIA assessing individual track-limits violations by pausing and rewinding footage of a corner 58 times.