Exclusive: Apple’s electric car project revived as radio-controlled iPod

Here’s TopGear.com’s roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

Apple will revive its floundering electric vehicle project by putting little wheels on its best-selling iPod and turning it into a radio-controlled car.

Following reports that the Californian tech giant had shelved its long-gestating full-size electric car, insiders have exclusively revealed to TopGear.com that Apple instead plans on making pocket-sized, radio-controlled four-wheeled versions of its iPod, iPad and iPhone because “it’s so much easier than a ground-up new EV”.

Apple will also make an audacious bid to cash in on the burgeoning restomod industry by putting small, retro multi-spoke chrome wheels on a version of the Apple II computer steerable by a handheld wired controller.

“We employed a legion of noted car industry engineers. We sketched out radical new designs. We worked on the perfect packaging that was clean, uncluttered, beautifully styled and a revolutionary leap forward,” an insider told TopGear.com.

“Then we did the maths. How anyone in the car industry makes any money whatsoever is beyond me. This entire thing is mind-bogglingly complicated. It’s like trying to pin a picture on a wall if the wall is made of jelly and the picture wants to tear your hand off.

“Instead, we’re just going to put little wheels on our best-sellers because it’s easier. The R/C Shuffle, R/C Nano and R/C Touch will all get cool little wheels, while the R/C Classic will get much bigger wheels and tyres than are strictly necessary.

“We were going to make the iPhone 15 Pro Max an R/C car too, but we sized up the wheels and we’d need 18s as standard. It’s flippin’ huge.”