Driver and Vehicle Standards Agency to disband; ‘fine, you idiots win,’ says boss

Here’s TopGear.com’s roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

The Driver and Vehicle Standards Agency is set to give up and disband its operation after realising it would never be able to overcome the ‘mounting legion of morons who can’t drive properly’.

The government body, responsible for preparing the Highway Code, has decided to throw in the towel citing the ‘impossibility’ of getting UK drivers to respect the most basic tenets of operating a motor vehicle in a sensible manner.

“We gave it everything,” an official said. “Over 100 years of steadily improving and updating the Highway Code in a misguided attempt to reign in the worst excesses of driving a car in a considered manner on the public highway, but in the end the idiots were just too good.

“We’ve had a good run. But we simply cannot compete any more with morons parking on double yellows on an intersection, or morons hogging the middle lane at 52mph, or morons parking an SUV across two bays.

“Don’t even get me started on tailgating, failing to indicate, racing through quiet neighbourhoods at 1am, and on principle, owning a forgettable grey crossover when an estate is perfectly adequate.

“The quality of professional stupidity on UK roads is simply on a level we can’t beat. We might not have won anything in a while, but we’re world class when it comes to cutting people up and not letting anyone through a junction.

“We’ve decided to pack up and set up shop elsewhere; somewhere easier, quieter and less stressful. Mumbai sounds like a dream after this hellscape.”