All new Teslas to shout random Tweets at pedestrians

Here's TopGear.com's roving correspondent, Cory Spondent, with his mostly incorrect exclusives from the world of motoring

Every Tesla model will soon begin shouting random Twitter messages at pedestrians, sources can confirm.

Following Tesla CEO Elon Musk’s takeover of the social media platform, insiders have revealed plans to provide an over-the-air update whereby every single Tesla model ever built will screech a variety of incoherent and arbitrary messages at the wider public.

“It’s part of a new round of important safety updates for all our cars,” a Tesla source revealed. “Our ‘Acoustic Vehicle Alert System’ is an in-house programme that synthesises the boss’s voice to yell random and obscure Tweets at pedestrians constantly, at speeds of up to 30mph.

“As the boss said, he’s not doing this for the money, or because it’s easy, but for humanity. And soon humanity will be treated to Elon’s voice in various tones and pitches bellowing Tweets from the accounts of more than 450 million people across the globe.”

The functionality will first be rolled out on the Model S, and insiders have revealed that the car will repeat the infamous “Covefefe” Tweet to warn pedestrians and other road users when the car is reversing.

In the event of the Twitter AVAS functionality failing, insiders have programmed a backup whereby each car vocalises Tesla-positive YouTube comments.